nulle part ailleurs

I have never felt worse in my life as I do right now. And no one cares.

I’ve been trying to write for days, but every time I do, I delete it all. Because it’s stupid. It’s pointless. And no matter what, my heart is still broken. I still can’t help but blame myself, blame you, blame the world…and above all, I can’t help but feel that nothing will ever change, no matter how much they say “love conquers all”.

I’m so angry when I hear all of the things you tell our friends: that I’m a mooch, that I’m nothing but a femme fatale, and that I am nothing to you now. I’m angry I allowed you to become bored with me. I’m angry that you think I’m so pathetic, so depressed, that you have to tell me, “I’m worried about you”. I’m angry that you told me, right after you dropped this bomb on me, that I “saved your life so many times” when all I can remember is you telling me how I’m not only a bitch, but an immature one at that. I’m angry that you view me as someone so cold, so robotic, so incapable of anything you wanted from me and our relationship. I’m angry that my instincts tell me I was right all along, when all I wanted was to feel special, to feel like I gave you something others couldn’t. I’m angry that I let my jealousy get the best of me, and that you omitted so much. Above all, I’m angry that my heart keeps breaking and breaking.

I wish I could be strong like everyone keeps telling me to be. I wish I could laugh in your face, ride off with someone new, and make you feel as stupid as you’ve made me feel these past 48 hours. I wish I could even feel that way. I wish I could brush off my heart, stick a band-aid on the bastard, and continue on my way. I wish I could believe that we’ll get through this, because that’s what everyone keeps telling me will happen if I just give it time. I wish I believed it when they said you’re the kind of person to give me just one more chance.

When people tell me that I could do better, that we’re no good together, that you’re a wimp, all I can think about is how you were the only boyfriend I had that was gentle, caring, and compassionate. All I can think about is when we first became friends and shared the passion of art and making people laugh. All I can think about is how unbelievably strong you are, even if you are physically small and boyish. All I can think about is our last day together, soaking up the warm sun and listening to live music on Howard Street.

Truthfully, this is written in vain. This is written with that last little shred of hope I possess that tells my heart to relay the message to my brain that maybe everything, one day, will be okay. I know that’s not the case though. Not only will you never reconsider taking me back, but I’m not sure I can even find the strength to trust you. No, I’m not referring to the trust normal couples have when they swear to never cheat or to never let the other down. I’m not sure that I can even believe that you love me. Maybe loved. Nothing more, though.

And how could you? Trust me, I’ve been living with myself for much too long. I understand how tired and frustrated you got while trying to deal with me and understand me. You are tired of who I truly am. You are frustrated that I seem incapable of always being sweet and loving and forgiving. Trust me, I understand this frustration. I understand wanting to change someone. Admittedly, I wanted to change you, too. I understand that you wanted to find happiness in our relationship, but unfortunately, weren’t able to. I understand that I became a project that became much too large and unwieldy to handle, to control, to perfect.

I understand all of this completely, and I wish that I could learn from my mistakes and move on. I wish that the words “I don’t know how I’ll feel after two weeks, or after graduation…” didn’t sound like a means of quelling the prodigious monster you saw lurking within me.

You cannot possibly take all of this to heart, and I don’t expect you to. I don’t expect you to be moved. I don’t even expect you to have read up until this point, if you even read it at all. I doubt that you will one day reach out to me and tell me you want to take me back. What I do believe is that you’ve grown tired of me, that you are so angry that you will never want to even share a room with me, and I understand.

I guess if I were given the opportunity to tell you just one thing, all I would want to say is thank you for the memories, the love, and even the fights. Thank you for putting up with me for nearly a year, or better yet, I should say thank you for holding onto me for a year. It was a fantastic journey, friend, and I wish nothing but the best for you and your future, whatever it may be.

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My heart is broken

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